The Village Times

 

HOT TOPIC: 2012 RESOLUTIONS

 

David Gergen

 

Hi everyone. Looks like it's time to trot out our goals for the upcoming year. It's easy to get lost in the day-to-day distractions that make up our business, especially in an election year, so let's really work hard to keep the big picture front and center.

 

All things considered, we had a good year in 2011. We got Iran and the deficit on the front page, and we marginalized two potentially nettlesome populist movements: the Tea Party and Occupy Wall Street. Let's keep that momentum going through 2012 by working to achieve these five goals.

David Gergen, Village Mayor

1/2/12

 

deficit hysteria

 

MORE DEFICIT HYSTERIA

Our clients would like to see Medicare/Medicaid and Social Security go the way of the dinosaur, and we certainly made progress on that front in 2011. Now let's keep up the pressure with more stories about the dire consequences of inaction on the deficit. Frame the issue as a matter of national security, and raise the specter of Greece as often as possible. Promote competitiveness by bashing public employees and labor unions (but not CEO salaries—that would be socialist). Of course, there is such as thing as “too much,” which brings me to the next resolution.

 

 

 

defense spending

 

PROTECT MILITARY SPENDING

Our friends in the defense industry are worried that they will be pulled into the vortex of deficit hysteria. We can't allow that to happen. We must underscore the dangers the American people face from the numerous threats that we cook up. It's all a matter of how we present the facts. For instance, try to describe any slowing in the growth of military spending as a “draconian cut.”

 

Iranian nukes

 

PUMP UP THE IRANIAN MENACE

With Saddam gone and Al Qaeda on the run, it's time to sell Iran as the Biggest Threat to our Existence. We must work to alert the public to this danger by pushing stories about sleeper cells and assassination plots, no matter how farfetched. While it's true that Americans are fatigued by the long wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, we believe we can sell a U.S. strike on Iranian nuclear facilities as an antiseptic, surgical, low cost operation. Heck, we convinced them that Iraq was involved in 9/11; this should be a piece of cake.

 

 

chalkboard

 

MOVE THE DIAL ON THE PRIVATIZATION OF EDUCATION

Where some see a hopelessly bleak tableaux of rundown schools, disillusioned teachers and underachieving students, our clients see dollar signs. Profit-driven schools are a potentially enormous revenue stream, but we can't get the dollars rolling in until we break the teachers' union. Frequent stories about successful charter schools will help do the trick.

 

Gary Johnson

 

IGNORE THIRD PARTY PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

You know the drill. Every four years, some marginal figure like Gary Johnson (left) comes along and runs for the nation's highest office as a third party candidate, with lots of crazy talk about legalizing pot, ending wars, blah, blah, blah. When we devote air time to these candidates, we only serve to encourage them. The best thing you can do is ignore them. They will go away, eventually, and leave the important matters to the adults.